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For Endings to End Beginnings Have to Begin

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By Teresa Moore

ISBN: 978-1-84747-109-3
Published: 2007
Pages: 88
Key Themes: autobiography, medical poisoning, borderline personality disorder, psychosis, depression, empowerment, volunteering, recovery

Description

For Endings to End Beginnings Have to Begin was written to show how a person diagnosed with the dehabilitating mental illness Borderline Personality Disorder thinks. It describes what it is like to be given a label that is classed as untreatable and how sufferers are often failed by the mental health system. It is an amazingly honest and at times emotional autobiography, portraying how a young woman can overcome her ‘untreatable’ illness, allowing her to live a life that she had never dreamed possible. Teresa wants to prove that just because she has a mental illness she is still a person with all the thoughts, feelings and needs that everyone as a human is entitled to.

About the Author

Teresa became entangled in the mental health services shortly after she left secondary school when she was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. To come to terms with her illness Teresa became involved in volunteering and in 2000 won the volunteer of the year award. She is part of The Prince’s Trust volunteer programme has gone onto study a City and Guilds teaching certificate which allows her to run mental health awareness workshops. Teresa suffers from acute asthma, it is thought that the steroids she has taken to combat her asthma lead to a toxic reaction which in turn led to Teresa becoming psychotic and depressed. With the support of health services she was able to get a job in a nursing home. Teresa hopes that by writing this book she will become an ambassador for people with mental health issues and hopes to dispel some of the myths and stigma surrounding this.

Book Extract

Following the trauma of the previous two years with mum I found it very difficult to settle back into family life as well as starting a new school. Dad wasn't the person I remembered which was really difficult. I yearned for him to hug me but it never happened so I learnt not to expect it. My sister was doing things which always resulted in my getting the blame, and I was beginning to find life hard going with my stepmother.

Although I put a lot of effort in to my schoolwork I was very unhappy and felt like school was my respite from my increasingly strained home life. After a while my unhappiness was picked up on at school and I was approached by one of my teachers. Unfortunately I couldn't really say much because I had been told that family problems were to stay within the family and not to go to 'outsiders'. I was advised to keep a diary as a way of getting my feelings out, which worked until it was found.

Arguments were a way of life at home and all too frequently I was the cause of them. If I answered back I was wrong, if quiet and blank I was wrong, and if I cried it was perceived that I was trying to emotionally blackmail my parents. Sometimes the arguments would last for hours and I felt so drained and felt the only way I could get through them was knowing that it would soon be time for school again.

After a while I began to harden off to the constant conflict with my parents albeit with difficulty especially because I found the concept of having to ask for everything very hard to accept. The biscuits were counted and if one was missing without being accounted for it was my fault every time. I never grasped asking to go to the toilet either, for when I did ask I was told I didn't have to, but when I forgot to ask another argument would unfold. Brick walls were beginning to be erected around me in order to survive the constant battles that I was faced with daily. And with every row, and every put down the wall became thicker and stronger and more difficult to penetrate.

Christmas was always strained and I never looked forward to holidays. The one statement dad always came out with was no matter what happened, 'you must always be yourself'. My problem was that when I was myself was when I got into the most trouble hence feeling constantly confused.

Most of the people my age at school were going to sleepovers and day trips which I felt unable to go to because that would mean having to ask permission from my parents. I found this particularly difficult as the past had taught me not even to bother asking in case an argument broke out, and I'd do anything to minimise the risk of provoking an argument.

At the age of fifteen I knew I was beginning to have real difficulty and asked to speak with a counsellor at school, but because of my age I was informed that this would not be possible without the involvement of my parents. I begged for this not to happen because I knew the outcome would be very grim. I did see a counsellor but only twice. The first time I tried to say how I felt but was so fearful of my parents finding out that I only mentioned the easier issues. Afterwards I was met with silence from my parents for quite a few days so when I went back the second time it was to tell him that things were okay and maybe there was nothing really wrong. I did this so that my parents would speak to me again.

OTHER BOOKS ON BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER


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This product was added to our catalog on Friday 03 November, 2006.

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